Ubuzali abuzi nezibhambathiso. Ngokungafaniyo nomtshato, apho sithembisa ukuthanda, imbeko kunye nokuxabisa, asenzanga sifungo sokuphatha abantwana bethu ngokulinganayo. Sisenokuthi sibathanda ngokufanayo - ubuxoki obumhlophe kanye noSanta Claus kunye nentsomi yamazinyo - kodwa iingcali zithi abazali abaninzi batsalela kumntwana omnye.



Ubutyala bubathulisa oomama nootata abaninzi, kodwa uLaura Figueroa uvulelekile ngokukhetha kwakhe unyana wakhe oneminyaka esi-7 ubudala. Umama waseBerkeley uthi ukungakhathali kwakhe kuhambelana nobuntu bakhe bohlobo A. Ngeli xesha, intombi yakhe endala kunye nentombi yakhe yamazibulo yabelana ngesitayela sakhe somlilo. Kwaye loo nto ibangela ukuba babambe iintloko.

Andimthandi ngaphezu kwakhe, kodwa ndivana ngakumbi naye, utsho uFigueroa, 35. Xa ndixelela abantu ukuba ungumntwana wam endimthandayo, baphakamisa amashiya kwaye bacinge ukuba ndiyaphambana.





Ukudlala izinto ezithandwayo akuvumelekanga, kodwa iingcali zentsapho zithi kwanaxa abazali bezama ngenzondelelo ukuba bangabi nanto bayithandayo, kukho izizathu ezibangela ukuba amehlo kamama abengezela ngakumbi kunyana wakhe, aze utata ajike ajike ajikeleze intombazana yakhe encinane. Isini, ulandelelwano lokuzalwa kunye nobuntu negalelo, kodwa esona sizathu sikhulu emva kotyalo-mali lwabazali, njengoko iingcali zebhayoloji ziyibiza njalo, yindaleko.

Ngokwembali, silindele ukuba abazali batyale imali ethe chatha kwinzala ebonelela ngeempawu zempilo entle kunye nokubanakho ukuzala, utshilo isazi ngengqondo kunye nengcali yaseDarwin uFrank Sulloway wase-UC Berkeley. Inkangeleko entle yenye yezo mpawu, ingakumbi kwiintombi, nangona kungekho mzali unokuvuma oko.



Umyalelo wokuzalwa kulula ukuvuma. Amazibulo ahlala ethandwa ngenxa yokuba akanabo abantu abakhuphisana nabo kwaye axhamle kubutyebi babazali babo nakwizixhobo zabo. Umntwana unenzuzo yokuba ngowokugqibela-kwaye wondla ithuku likamama lokukhulisa oyena mncinane. Iwubeka phi umbindi lo? Njengomncinane kunokwenzeka ukuba ube yintandokazi.

Xa iNombolo yesi-2 ifika, yonke into ayifumanayo sisiqingatha malunga nezibonelelo, uSulloway uthi. Umntwana ophakathi uya kuhlala ephuma kwisiphelo esifutshane sentonga kuba akasoze abe yedwa endlwini.



Iingcali zithi umonakalo kumntwana ongamthandiyo uxhomekeke kumlinganiselo womkhethe. Abanye banokujijisana nokungazithembi, kwaye bahambe ebomini bezibuza ukuba kutheni bengakufanelekelanga ukuchaswa ngabazali.

Kodwa abazali abaluphapheleyo ukhetho lwabo banokwenza konke okusemandleni abo ukuze bakhulise omnye umntwana.



Ewe ndixhalabile ngobudlelwane bam nentombi yam, ke ndizama ngamandla ukusebenza kuyo ukuze ibe yeyona nto ingcono kakhulu, utshilo uFigueroa, owenza ixesha elikhethekileyo lokuzibophelela kwimani-pedis. Ndizama ukunxibelelana neemvakalelo zakhe kwaye ndikhumbule izinto endizithandayo ngaye. Uyayila, uyaphuma kwaye unobuhlobo.

Njengomntu omdala, umntwana ongamthandiyo unokuphelela phezulu. Abantwana abangonwabanga badla ngokuthatha imingcipheko esempilweni kwaye baseke ubudlelwane ngaphandle kwekhaya, ngokutsho kwengcali yabantakwenu uCatherine Salmon weYunivesithi yaseRedlands.



Kananjalo akukho lula ukuba bacelwe ukuba benze uninzi lokhathalelo lwabazali abalupheleyo, kwaye abanye banokuthatha oko kukudibanisa, utshilo uSalmon.

Ukongeza kumyalelo wokuzalwa, isini sisalathisi esinamandla sokukhetha. Kuhlolisiso olwenziwa ngowama-2003 olwapapashwa kwiphephancwadi iHuman Nature, isiqingatha sabafundi saxelela uSalmon ukuba kwakukho eyona nto ithandwayo kusapho lwabo. Ekugqibeleni, eyona nto yayithandwa ngumama yayingunyana wakhe omkhulu; kubatata, umntwana wakhe oyintombazana.

Akukho bungqina bokuba kutheni, kodwa ndicinga ukuba amadoda athambekele ekubeni nesimo sengqondo 'somkhuseli' kwicala labasetyhini abancinci, utshilo uSalmon. Koomama, inokuba yindibaniselwano yokuthanda amazibulo kunye nenyaniso yokuba amakhwenkwe ahlala ebonakala ethobela oomama bawo, utshilo uSalmon.

Ngamanye amaxesha, abazali banika impatho ekhethekileyo kumntwana ofana nabo.

Zombini ngenkangeleko nakwisimo, uJane Costa, owesibini kwamantombazana amane, ufana nonina. Xa wayeneminyaka esi-8 ubudala, umama wakhe wamtyibela isilayi sepayi emva kwesidlo sangokuhlwa enenkangeleko ethi: Zip. Akukho mntu wumbi ufumana imizuzwana.

UCosta oneminyaka engama-65 ubudala nohlala eWalnut Creek uthi

Ngelixa wayeneminyaka eyi-11, iCosta yayingeyona nto ithandwayo ngumama wakhe kodwa kunye nomhlobo wakhe. Kwakukho into encinci abangazange babelane ngayo. UCosta wafunda ukuthunga emadolweni kamama wakhe. Bobabini babekuthanda ukutyibiliza, kwaye babukele ukhuphiswano kumabonakude kunye. UCosta wayehleli nonina njengoko wayehlawula amatyala kwaye encedisa kwimisebenzi yasekhaya xa abanye abantwana besasazeka.

Ndandifana nokuzalwa ngokutsha kwakhe, utsho uCosta.

Xa ejonga emva, uthi uziva kakubi ukuba umama wakhe wayedlala intandokazi. Kodwa, yayinengqiqo phantsi kweemeko. Xa unabaninzi omele ubanyamekele, kwaye umyeni wakho enxila, mhlawumbi uya nje emntwaneni ovumayo ngakumbi kwaye ukhululekile, utsho. Yayindim ke lowo.

USherry Simmons wase-Oakland uthi umama wakhe wayemthanda umntwana othobelayo - kodwa yayingenguye.

Ngokucacileyo, bendibuhlungu kwi (butt), utsho uSimmons, oneminyaka engama-64. Ndiza kuvavanya kwaye ndityhale umda kuyo yonke into. Kodwa (umntakwethu) uGregg wayezolile kwaye egqibelele. Wayelilibala igama lam, kodwa wayembiza ngokuthi ‘uthunywe ezulwini.

Ngaphezulu kwesihlandlo esinye, uSimmons wajongana nomama wakhe malunga nokukhetha. Ngalo lonke ixesha umama wakhe wayegxininisa ukuba uyabathanda bobabini ngokufanayo. Kodwa ekuphela kwento entle awayenokuyifumana yokuthetha ngam yayikukuba ndandinezandla ezithandekayo, ukhumbula uSimmons. Ukugcina ezo zandla, wayenxiba iiglavu xa elala ukuya kutsho kwiminyaka yakhe engama-30.

Ngaba konke oku kuthand'icala kuyalonakalisa ulwalamano lwabazalwana? Kwiimeko ezininzi, iingcali zithi akunjalo.

USimmons uyavuma ukuba wayenomona ngomntakwabo kwiminyaka yabo yeshumi elivisayo, kodwa yayidlula, utshilo. Namhlanje, bangabahlobo abasenyongweni. Kwaye xa emqhula ngokuba ngumntwana wegolide, uvele ahleke.

Ngokunjalo no-Al Kelly kunye nomntakwabo, uDave. Kwakuyiminyaka engama-30 eyadlulayo xa uAl, ohlala eBerkeley, wafumanisa ukuba uDave wayengoyena uthandwayo.

Bekulixesha lesidlo sangokuhlwa. UMama wayexelele uAl ukuba athi nkxu kwibhokisi yomkhenkce aze azilungisele ipleyiti yeembotyi eziseleyo, isonka senyama kunye neetapile ezicujiweyo. UDave wafika ekhaya kungekudala. Xa uAl wathi uza kumenzela ipleyiti efanayo, umama wabaleka waya ecaleni kwakhe ekhitshini.

Ungamniki ezombotyi zentambo, wasebezela uAl.

Ngoba?

Baye bahlala kwi-icebox ixesha elide, waphendula.

Yima umzuzu, utshilo u-Al. Undiyeke ndifunxe ipleyiti yezombotyi!

UAl, ngoku oneminyaka engama-57 ubudala, usayibona inkangeleko yobuso bakhe.

I-minx encinci yayiboshwe ngolwimi, utsho, ehleka. Wayenaso esi sivakalisi ngokungathi ubanjwe nje. Kwaye andizange ndimvumele ukuba ayilibale.

indlela abazali abakhetha ngayo abazithandayo

Utata akayoyiki kuba wayebonakala ethanda umntakwenu kancinci kunawe. Iingcali zezifundo zosapho zithi ukuthanda, okanye utyalo-mali lwabazali, luhlala lusekelwe kwizinto esingenako ukuzilawula. Nazi ezinye:

Umyalelo wokuzalwa. Amazibulo ahlala ethandwa ngenxa yokuba awanazimbangi kwaye axhamla kuzo zonke izixhobo zosapho. I last born iyathandwa kuba ilusana. Abantwana abaphakathi ngabona bathandwa kakhulu.
Impilo. Ngokwembono yebhayoloji, siye savela ukuba sithande oyena mntwana mkhulu, usempilweni kwaye unomtsalane kuba ilolona mntwana unokuzala ngempumelelo.
Isini. Uphando lubonisa ukuba abazali badla ngokuthanda umntwana wesini esahlukileyo. Khawucinge nje ngomama ochukunyiswe ngunyana wakhe owomeleleyo, nomkhulu, okanye ubawo ojikela kwintombazana yakhe encinane.
Ubuntu. Abazali ngabantu kuphela. Kuba yonke inzala ingumntu kwaye sinxibelelana ngokwahlukileyo kumntu ngamnye, phantse akunakwenzeka ukuba ungaziva utsaleleka kumntwana omnye.

- UFrank Sulloway kunye noCatherine Salmon




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